My Anxiety Story

I’ve always considered myself fortunate to have had a great childhood and life. I’ve never experienced clinical depression and have been successful in nearly every endeavor I’ve pursued. Don’t get me wrong—life hasn’t been without its challenges. Like most people, I’ve faced adversity, including a major car accident with a drunk driver that tragically claimed my best friend’s life. But for the most part, I had my goals on track and lived a fulfilling life. I did experience some minor health anxiety—whenever something felt off in my body—but that was about it.

Things took a turn for the worse when I decided to smoke marijuana on New Year's Day after having not smoked for over a decade. I had stopped smoking because it made me anxious and paranoid, but I foolishly tried it again when my girlfriend brought some over. At first, I wasn’t concerned—I began to relax and enjoy the moment. But soon after, I realized I had overdone it and was far too high. I felt acutely aware of every sensation in my body, and that’s when the overthinking began. As my high escalated into sheer discomfort, I wondered, "What if I got so high that I would be high forever?" Logically, I knew this wasn’t possible, but my mind kept spiraling. What if I had somehow broken my brain and would never be the same?

Despite my best efforts to calm myself with logic, my fear grew uncontrollably. The panic and anxiety surged. I worked at a Fortune 50 company and deeply valued my image—being sharp, confident, and charismatic. The thought that I might ruin it all with a single bad experience terrified me. My mind raced, and I had an intense panic attack that lasted nearly two hours. My hands and feet were ice-cold despite the warmth of my apartment.

The next day, I no longer felt high, which gave me some relief, but I was still shaken. I felt more anxious and unsettled than usual. Over the next couple of weeks, I experienced more panic attacks as I processed what had happened.

The real fear was that I had somehow damaged my brain and was on the path to developing a mental disorder. I had friends in high school who struggled with severe mental health issues like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder after experimenting with drugs. So, after monitoring my cognitive functions for a couple of weeks and not experiencing any major symptoms, I started to relax.

But then, four months later, a very stressful situation arose in my life. It triggered a level of anxiety I had never experienced before. Normally, I thrive under pressure—I’m confident, a perfectionist, and a creative problem solver—but this situation made me feel uneasy. I dismissed it as just stress, figuring it would pass.

Then, in September 2018, things took a darker turn. My birthday was approaching, and I had planned a trip to the Caribbean to relax and unwind. But on September 5th, I came home from work and felt a sudden wave of sadness. This wasn’t the first time I had felt this way in the past few months, but it was odd. I couldn’t pinpoint the source of my emotions, so I tried to meditate, hoping to figure it out.

As a spiritual person with a close relationship to God, meditation usually helps me gain clarity. But this time, no matter how deeply I meditated, I couldn’t find any cause for my sadness. I tried to move on with my day, but I became hyper-aware of my thoughts. I couldn’t escape the feeling of being too aware, and it was extremely uncomfortable. The next morning, I woke up to the terrifying realization that the hyper-awareness was still there.

At work, I couldn’t concentrate. I was consumed by thoughts of why I couldn’t stop being aware of everything in my mind. Conversations felt distant—I was half-focused on the conversation and half-focused on why I couldn’t escape my own thoughts. It was frightening, and it led me to wonder if all the panic and stress had somehow caused me to lose my mind.

A week passed, and the feeling persisted. I grew terrified that this would be my new reality forever.

Desperate for answers, I turned to Google, forums, Quora, and Reddit to see if anyone else had experienced this. I stumbled across descriptions of anxiety disorders, particularly Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). At first, I was scared by the hyper-awareness, but over time, I convinced myself I was going crazy.

Anxiety works by creating a loop of catastrophic thoughts—each "what if" scenario worse than the last. Soon, I believed I was suffering from everything from schizophrenia to OCD, to GAD, to panic disorder, to PTSD. I couldn’t believe how quickly my mental state had deteriorated. At my lowest point, I had to call out of work because I was consumed with fear.

My girlfriend encouraged me to see a therapist, and when I did, I was relieved to hear that she didn’t think I had any major psychiatric disorder, just anxiety. She suspected I was developing GAD. This was a turning point for me—I was determined to overcome whatever this was.

I began reading about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Exposure Response Prevention (ERP). I bought a couple of highly recommended self-help books: Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts by Martin N. Seif and Sally M. Winston, and The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. These books helped me realize that what I was experiencing wasn’t as abnormal as I had thought. Anxiety is complex, but it’s treatable. I learned how to understand the nature of anxiety and how it works in the brain.

At first, I found comfort in knowing anxiety disorders are manageable, but the idea that I might never fully recover still left me feeling defeated. However, it was a start. Over time, I realized that recovery was possible—it was just going to take work and persistence.

Now, looking back, I understand that what I was going through was a journey of self-discovery and healing. It wasn’t just about managing anxiety; it was about learning to live without being consumed by it.

If you’ve read this far and you identify with what I’ve shared, I want you to know that there’s hope. You don’t have to stay trapped in this cycle forever. If you’re ready to take the next step, book your free 30-minute discovery call now.